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Ten Tips on Coping with Pet Loss
by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.
Anyone who considers a pet a beloved friend, companion, or
family member knows the intense pain that accompanies the loss
of that friend. Following are some tips on coping with that grief,
and with the difficult decisions one faces upon the loss of a
pet.
1. Am I crazy to hurt so much?
Intense grief over the loss of a pet is normal and natural.
Don't let anyone tell you that it's silly, crazy, or overly sentimental
to grieve!
During the years you spent with your pet (even if they were
few), it became a significant and constant part of your life.
It was a source of comfort and companionship, of unconditional
love and acceptance, of fun and joy. So don't be surprised if
you feel devastated by the loss of such a relationship.
People who don't understand the pet/owner bond may not understand
your pain. All that matters, however, is how you feel. Don't
let others dictate your feelings: They are valid, and may be
extremely painful. But remember, you are not alone: Thousands
of pet owners have gone through the same feelings.
2. What Can I Expect to Feel?
Different people experience grief in different ways. Besides
your sorrow and loss, you may also experience the following emotions:
Guilt may occur if you feel responsible for your pet's
death-the "if only I had been more careful" syndrome.
It is pointless and often erroneous to burden yourself with guilt
for the accident or illness that claimed your pet's life, and
only makes it more difficult to resolve your grief.
Denial makes it difficult to accept that your pet
is really gone. It's hard to imagine that your pet won't greet
you when you come home, or that it doesn't need its evening meal.
Some pet owners carry this to extremes, and fear their pet is
still alive and suffering somewhere. Others find it hard to get
a new pet for fear of being "disloyal" to the old.
Anger may be directed at the illness that killed your
pet, the driver of the speeding car, the veterinarian who "failed"
to save its life. Sometimes it is justified, but when carried
to extremes, it distracts you from the important task of resolving
your grief.
Depression is a natural consequence of grief, but
can leave you powerless to cope with your feelings. Extreme depression
robs you of motivation and energy, causing you to dwell upon
your sorrow.
3. What can I do about my feelings?
The most important step you can take is to be honest about
your feelings. Don't deny your pain, or your feelings of anger
and guilt. Only by examining and coming to terms with your feelings
can you begin to work through them.
You have a right to feel pain and grief! Someone you loved
has died, and you feel alone and bereaved. You have a right to
feel anger and guilt, as well. Acknowledge your feelings first,
then ask yourself whether the circumstances actually justify
them.
Locking away grief doesn't make it go away. Express it. Cry,
scream, pound the floor, talk it out. Do what helps you the most.
Don't try to avoid grief by not thinking about your pet; instead,
reminisce about the good times. This will help you understand
what your pet's loss actually means to you.
Some find it helpful to express their feelings and memories
in poems, stories, or letters to the pet. Other strategies including
rearranging your schedule to fill in the times you would have
spent with your pet; preparing a memorial such as a photo collage;
and talking to others about your loss.
4. Who can I talk to?
If your family or friends love pets, they'll understand what
you're going through. Don't hide your feelings in a misguided
effort to appear strong and calm! Working through your feelings
with another person is one of the best ways to put them in perspective
and find ways to handle them. Find someone you can talk to about
how much the pet meant to you and how much you miss it-someone
you feel comfortable crying and grieving with.
If you don't have family or friends who understand, or if
you need more help, ask your veterinarian or humane association
to recommend a pet loss counselor or support group. Check with
your church or hospital for grief counseling. Remember, your
grief is genuine and deserving of support.
5. When is the right time to euthanize a pet?
Your veterinarian is the best judge of your pet's physical
condition; however, you are the best judge of the quality of
your pet's daily life. If a pet has a good appetite, responds
to attention, seeks its owner's company, and participates in
play or family life, many owners feel that this is not the time.
However, if a pet is in constant pain, undergoing difficult and
stressful treatments that aren't helping greatly, unresponsive
to affection, unaware of its surroundings, and uninterested in
life, a caring pet owner will probably choose to end the beloved
companion's suffering.
Evaluate your pet's health honestly and unselfishly with your
veterinarian. Prolonging a pet's suffering in order to prevent
your own ultimately helps neither of you. Nothing can make this
decision an easy or painless one, but it is truly the final act
of love that you can make for your pet.
6. Should I stay during euthanasia?
Many feel this is the ultimate gesture of love and comfort
you can offer your pet. Some feel relief and comfort themselves
by staying: They were able to see that their pet passed peacefully
and without pain, and that it was truly gone. For many, not witnessing
the death (and not seeing the body) makes it more difficult to
accept that the pet is really gone. However, this can be traumatic,
and you must ask yourself honestly whether you will be able to
handle it. Uncontrolled emotions and tears-though natural-are
likely to upset your pet.
Some clinics are more open than others to allowing the owner
to stay during euthanasia. Some veterinarians are also willing
to euthanize a pet at home. Others have come to an owner's car
to administer the injection. Again, consider what will be least
traumatic for you and your pet, and discuss your desires and
concerns with your veterinarian. If your clinic is not able to
accommodate your wishes, request a referral.
7. What do I do next?
When a pet dies, you must choose how to handle its remains.
Sometimes, in the midst of grief, it may seem easiest to leave
the pet at the clinic for disposal. Check with your clinic to
find out whether there is a fee for such disposal. Some shelters
also accept such remains, though many charge a fee for disposal.
If you prefer a more formal option, several are available.
Home burial is a popular choice, if you have sufficient property
for it. It is economical and enables you to design your own funeral
ceremony at little cost. However, city regulations usually prohibit
pet burials, and this is not a good choice for renters or people
who move frequently.
To many, a pet cemetery provides a sense of dignity, security,
and permanence. Owners appreciate the serene surroundings and
care of the gravesite. Cemetery costs vary depending on the services
you select, as well as upon the type of pet you have. Cremation
is a less expensive option that allows you to handle your pet's
remains in a variety of ways: bury them (even in the city), scatter
them in a favorite location, place them in a columbarium, or
even keep them with you in a decorative urn (of which a wide
variety are available).
Check with your veterinarian, pet shop, or phone directory
for options available in your area. Consider your living situation,
personal and religious values, finances, and future plans when
making your decision. It's also wise to make such plans in advance,
rather than hurriedly in the midst of grief.
8. What should I tell my children?
You are the best judge of how much information your children
can handle about death and the loss of their pet. Don't underestimate
them, however. You may find that, by being honest with them about
your pet's loss, you may be able to address some fears and misperceptions
they have about death.
Honesty is important. If you say the pet was "put to
sleep," make sure your children understand the difference
between death and ordinary sleep. Never say the pet "went
away," or your child may wonder what he or she did to make
it leave, and wait in anguish for its return. That also makes
it harder for a child to accept a new pet. Make it clear that
the pet will not come back, but that it is happy and free of
pain.
Never assume a child is too young or too old to grieve. Never
criticize a child for tears, or tell them to "be strong"
or not to feel sad. Be honest about your own sorrow; don't try
to hide it, or children may feel required to hide their grief
as well. Discuss the issue with the entire family, and give everyone
a chance to work through their grief at their own pace.
9. Will my other pets grieve?
Pets observe every change in a household, and are bound to
notice the absence of a companion. Pets often form strong attachments
to one another, and the survivor of such a pair may seem to grieve
for its companion. Cats grieve for dogs, and dogs for cats.
You may need to give your surviving pets a lot of extra attention
and love to help them through this period. Remember that, if
you are going to introduce a new pet, your surviving pets may
not accept the newcomer right away, but new bonds will grow in
time. Meanwhile, the love of your surviving pets can be wonderfully
healing for your own grief.
10. Should I get a new pet right away?
Generally, the answer is no. One needs time to work through
grief and loss before attempting to build a relationship with
a new pet. If your emotions are still in turmoil, you may resent
a new pet for trying to "take the place" of the old-for
what you really want is your old pet back. Children in particular
may feel that loving a new pet is "disloyal" to the
previous pet.
When you do get a new pet, avoid getting a "lookalike"
pet, which makes comparisons all the more likely. Don't expect
your new pet to be "just like" the one you lost, but
allow it to develop its own personality. Never give a new pet
the same name or nickname as the old. Avoid the temptation to
compare the new pet to the old one: It can be hard to remember
that your beloved companion also caused a few problems when it
was young!
A new pet should be acquired because you are ready to move
forward and build a new relationship-rather than looking backward
and mourning your loss. When you are ready, select an animal
with whom you can build another long, loving relationship-because
this is what having a pet is all about!
(For more information on choosing a new pet and determining
when the time is right, please see Ten Tips on Choosing a New Pet.)
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A POEM FOR THE GRIEVING...
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die...
You'll find it in Moira Allen's Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet. In a book filled with comfort, compassion and support, you'll find the tools and tips you need to:
Understand the feelings you're going through -- and find ways to ease the pain
"Say good-bye" with memorials, tributes and other coping strategies
Help your children and other family members deal with their grief
Deal with people who "just don't understand"
Help surviving pets cope with the loss of a missing companion
Come to terms with the guilt we so often feel when a pet dies
Handle the agonizing decision of euthanasia
Choose the best and most comforting "final resting place" for your pet
Determine when and how to bring a new companion into your home (how soon is too soon?)
Improve your chances of recovering a lost or stolen pet
Help a friend cope with loss
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet celebrates over 30 years in print - our expanded Third Edition is available from Amazon.com in Print and Kindle editions!*
*(Please note that these are affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.)
Quantity discounts are also available; please visit our Quantity Orders page for details.
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